Dear readers, this post is longer than my usual 250-300 words. Let me refresh your memory. If you’ve been following my blog or watch my videos I’ve been taking about relationships and the ending of my 90 day engagement. Now, hold on before you get teary eye and start mourning my lose. It was good that I got out when I did. I refused to remain in a relationship that does not value me. So, I decided to go on a 90 day journey to refocus my life, and get healthy mentally and physically. when the journal is completed I will publish it. My mission is to help people understand that starting over, is not the end of having a good life, go through the process of learning how to not just move on, but to create a new life while working through their pain. One suggest, please stay away from people who want to help you throw a pity party. This is not about being a victim. This new life is about thriving.
Day 1, August 27, 2018. I did not go into this 90-day plan thinking that the storm was over just because mt relationship ended, and the universe would cut me some slack. Ha! I arrived at work fresh and ready to get back into my groove. Not a chance I was met with this memo: short version the department has decided to cut my hours. I had an immediate melt down in front of everyone. Long story short after spending most of the workday going from one office to the next, another department was more than happy to restore my hours. Instead of me taking a step back and breath I ate a muffin. Oh well. Tomorrow is Gym Day…. 8:30pm, the day is done and all I want to do was make it home. Upon leaving I discovered that a long-time co-worker and friend had retired and soon after died. Again, for the second time tears flowed. I knew this person for 15 years, he was kind, funny, had a great smile, and could tell funny jokes. I boarded the train and could not wait to get home and bury my face in my pillow and cry. 89 days to go.
Day 2, August 28, 8:15Am, I left the house early; I walked the 10 blocks to the train station I need to lose the extra flab. I looked at myself in the full-length mirror on my bathroom wall. I wish I could have ripped it off, not the fat the mirror. I felt disgusted I thought about all the time I wasted not going to the gym, so that I could spend time with HIM. Oops. This is what we do, after a break up; we look for every moment to revert to past memoirs. We want to blame the other person because of the pain, anger, rage; we want our feelings validated. The truth is that I could have found the time to go to the gym. I did not have to eat the bread, muffins, and the delicious unhealthy fried foods. I lost my commitment to me; I lacked the discipline and drive to push myself. Being in a relationship does not give anyone permission to slack. So, each day until the weather turns cold. I will walk the 10-12 blocks every time I have to ride the train.
Day 3, August 29, Day off, I slept late and wanted to stay in bed, it would be easy to stay in bed, closed up in my room. No, I will not allow the ghost of depression to take my soul hostage. I could use the weather as an excuse it is 94 degrees. I put on a skimpy dress, put my hair up, got a bottle of water, and took a slow walk to the train station. Dunkin Donuts was my savior, ice coffee never tasted so good. I set out to visit May, my former hair stylist. I found her book an appointment. Now, what do I do with the rest of my day. I took the bus to 125th street, I hopped from store to store soaking up the air condition. Brought some much-needed hair products, two pairs of slacks and eat some healthy fast food, and headed home. On the walk back from the train station I give in two stops from home I took the bus. I had enough of punishing in the heat for being lazy and gaining weight.
P.S. I have not begun the search for a therapist.
Day 4, August 30, today was the best day of the week. I am slowly making peace with the distance I travel to work and church. Good news, I am moving to a bigger space within the house this means I can some of my personal belongings out of storage. I cannot wait to sit at my desk and get my groove back. I sent HIM the letter that I had prepared a month ago before the breakup. It does not matter whether he reads it, or if he reads the letter and ignores the content, what is important to me is that I addressed the elephant in the room. The truth is that I emotionally checked out the moment he told me that I had to choose between advancing my teaching career by wanting to teach overseas and being his wife. It was only a matter time.
So tell me how am I doing thus far?